Those Pesky Invisible Relationship Walls

Have you noticed that your relationships with friends, family, and loved ones have “invisible walls”? These walls prevent certain things from happening between two people — gestures, conversational topics, and so on. Ranging from innocuous to serious, these walls exist in every relationship, even our deepest. If we are striving for true depth with someone, it’s our responsibility to 1.) recognize these walls and 2.) break through (where appropriate).

Before continuing, I’d like to point out that there is a fine line between invisible walls and boundaries. We look to break through invisible walls when appropriate, but are cognizant of sensitive boundaries.

This concept of invisible walls has really been on my mind lately. I’ve found that each of my longest, deepest relationships has a wall or two (or 10). The exact location of these walls can be the same, or exist in entirely unique places per relationship. I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that everyone experiences this, and that this is a fundamental aspect of human relations.

Here is the easiest example from my personal life that I can publicly share. With one of my best friends of 20+ years, we never hug or shake hands when we see each other. We just say hi and get right to the main event, whatever that may be. It feels weird to think about hugging or shaking their hand. While this is on the innocuous side, it’s a simple, effective example.

These observations raise a few questions:

1. Why do these walls exist in the first place?
2. Why are they different with each person?
3. How do we break through walls (where appropriate)?

Why do walls exist in the first place?

There are a few reasons (that I’ve come up with at least) as to why these walls exist.

In most cases, these walls have been around since the beginning of the relationship. They were never broken through as the relationship grew. In the example shared earlier, I have been friends with this person since we were 5. We likely never shook hands or hugged when we were younger, so it makes sense that we never established that practice.

Another reason these walls exist is that they are challenging to notice. We can layer this second point on top of this first one — if your wall has been around since the beginning of your relationship, it’s exceptionally challenging to notice. Once noticed, they are so extremely obvious.

In other cases, the other aspects of our relationship that are deep distract from the wall. We either don’t view the walled off aspects as pertinent to this relationship, or we’re “stuck in our lane” and never check our mirrors.

In some relationships, there are probably standard formalities that just no longer apply. The relationship is so strong and unique that you might fabricate a wall where there really isn’t one. Your relationship is just past that point and it doesn’t apply anymore.

Finally, at the end of the day, everyone is just unique. Our differences drive comfort and comfort plays a part in wall creation.

Why are these walls different in each relationship?

Before talking about why walls are different in each location, let’s talk about situations where they’re the same across relationships.

If your walls are in the same place across many relationships, look inwards. You are likely a big part of why those walls exist. And that’s completely fine. You have unique tastes, preferences, communication habits, and boundaries. You may event want these walls to be up. Again, that’s completely fine. It’s important to bear in mind though that relationships are two way streets, and grow when traffic flows both ways. If we’re striving for depth with someone, be cognizant of the walls you maintain.

As to why walls can be different in each relationship, this second point is short — everyone is different and everyone’s life experiences are different.

So how do we break through walls?

When appropriate, breaking through walls can be daunting. However, there is a somewhat easy process we can follow. It’s only one step actually.

Step 1: Summon a few second of bravery and acknowledge that the wall exists in conversation with the person. This simple statement (or any variation) is incredibly effective:

I’ve noticed we don’t do X, are you open to it?

If the reception is ok — dive in. The wall has now been permanently broached.